Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
Medically reviewed and verified by Kate Burke, MD, MHA
The emotional toll of infertility can be one of the most challenging parts of the journey. For many women, the initial reaction to an infertility diagnosis can involve shock, sadness, frustration, and a deep sense of loss. An infertility diagnosis challenges societal expectations, often leaving you feeling isolated or as if your body has failed you. The stigma around infertility can make it difficult to talk about or admit, which can leave you feeling lonely.
New to the Fertility Series? Catch up and read Introduction to Infertility
Addressing Emotions in Your Relationships
“...I love my husband very much and I don't think anyone has ever or will ever understand me like him. But, we are at this point where I am afraid that if I don't give up trying to become a parent, I may lose my marriage. I understand him. I am tired of the stress of infertility too. But, I have wanted to be a mom more than I have ever wanted anything in my life and for longer than I have ever wanted anything in my life. I don't know how to give up on that. My whole life has been about figuring out my way of doing anything. How do I be ok with never being a mom?”
- PLM Member since 2024
For some becoming a parent has always been part of their life plan and the thought of never becoming one hadn’t crossed their minds until their diagnosis. Naturally when the doctor tells you that you are infertile and the path to parenthood won’t look the way you thought, you will feel confused, angry, and sad.
Allow yourself the time and space to process those emotions. The emotional toll can affect all areas of your life, including work, friendships, and romantic relationships. These emotions may catch you off guard and in ways that have never affected you before. You might find yourself unusually frustrated when a coworker talks about their children while you’re still processing the thought of potentially not having children of your own. You might find yourself overwhelmed with sadness watching your friends' children and you’re reminded this may not be in the cards for you.
While some couples find that the journey strengthens their bond, others may experience strain as they navigate the emotions at different paces. Unchecked disappointment after unsuccessful treatments or disagreements about next steps can be difficult. It is important for you and your partner to avoid blame and keep open and respectful communication about your feelings with each other.
If you are experiencing secondary infertility, the emotional strain can increase from the pressure of already raising a child and comparing the experience.
Setting Boundaries
One particularly painful aspect of infertility is dealing with the well-meaning but intrusive questions from family and friends. The dreaded “Are you pregnant yet?” or “When are you two having kids?” can trigger feelings of frustration and shame, especially when treatments haven’t been successful or when you are still processing your diagnosis. Handing these questions requires the power of vulnerability and emotional resilience and clear boundaries. Some strategies include:
- Deflecting: If you are not comfortable discussing your journey in detail, simple responses. You can try “We will share when there is something to share” or “We are focused on other priorities.” should change the subject.
- Setting boundaries: Politely but firmly stating that you are not comfortable sharing details about something so private and personal. “I know you mean well, but that’s something personal between the two of us and we’d appreciate it if you didn’t ask.”
- Being honest: If you’re feeling comfortable to be vulnerable, you might say “It’s been challenging for us. We are still figuring out next steps or if parenthood is in the cards for us and we have been feeling defeated.”
Finding a Coping Mechanism that Works for You
Another important aspect of managing the emotional rollercoaster is preparing for the possibility of disappointment. Fertility treatments often come with no guarantees, and navigating that uncertainty is difficult. It is important to give yourself permission to grieve after an unsuccessful round of treatment, whether it’s an IUI, IVF cycle, or even a failed attempt to naturally conceive. Allowing space for disappointment– without brushing it aside– helps process emotions in a healthy way. Preparing emotionally for potential setbacks can involve a few strategies:
- Building a support system: Surrounding yourself with a network of supportive people is crucial. This could include your partner, family members, friends, and a women's infertility support group or men's infertility support group like PatientsLikeMe, where you can share your experiences with others who understand what you’re going through. Finding a safe space where you feel comfortable to ask for help and feel supported helps with the healing process.
- Managing expectations: Fertility treatments take time and success rates can vary because every couple has their own unique set of challenges. Understanding this reality can help you mentally prepare for the possibility of multiple attempts. Don’t give up hope but acknowledge the process may be longer than expected.
- Making room for grief: Whether it’s an unsuccessful IVF cycle, a negative pregnancy test, or another obstacle along the way, give yourself the space to process those feelings. Bottling up your emotions to “stay strong” for your partner or seem fearless can only make the journey harder. As they say, it’s okay to not be okay.
- Focusing on emotional self-care: Be sure to integrate self-care tools like going to therapy, journaling, practicing mindfulness, and meditation to help manage stress and anxiety. There are other outlets out there so find one that fits you best because no matter your outlet, it’s important to release those emotions.
Navigating a Heteronormative Healthcare System
For LGBTQIA+2S individuals and couples, the emotional journey can be even more complicated. Navigating a healthcare system that is often heteronormative can add layers of frustration and hurt. Finding inclusive and knowledgeable fertility specialists can be a challenge in some states, and the emotional stress of feeling unsupported or misunderstood can weigh heavily.
A study highlighted the widespread of negative and harmful experiences while seeking reproductive healthcare for queer patients. Which makes finding the right doctor a top priority who will treat you with kindness and respect, considering how vulnerable the entire fertility process can be. When reviewing clinics, check on their involvement in the LGBTQIA+2S community and if they have procedures in place to better serve LGBTQIA+2S couples.
A national survey showed that LGBTQIA+2S Americans turned to their own circles of trust over the traditional health care system. This shows the power of community. Unfortunately it also highlights how the system is failing the community. PatientsLikeMe is here to help you do your research and help you find community in your health journey.
Additionally, for transgender or non-binary individuals, the decision to undergo fertility preservation before starting hormone therapy or gender-affirming surgeries can stir up complicated feelings about their bodies and gender identity.
Finding Community Support on PatientsLikeMe
Navigating the emotional ups and downs of infertility requires resilience, patience, and self-compassion. By preparing for the possibility of disappointment and protecting yourself from emotionally triggering situations, you can better manage the uncertainty of the journey while keeping your mental health intact. It’s important to remember that your emotional well-being is just as important as your physical well-being in your fertility journey.
PatientsLikeMe provides the tools and community support you need to manage your fertility journey. Join others who share their experiences with infertility and insights, offering advice and encouragement. Track your symptoms, treatments, and outcomes, to see the full picture of your health. You can also evaluate the effectiveness of treatments based on comprehensive patients' data. Join for free today.
Resources
TED Talk: The Power of Vulnerability - Brené Brown. (2023, July 5). Brené Brown. https://brenebrown.com/videos/ted-talk-the-power-of-vulnerability/
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists & American Society for Reproductive Medicine. (2021). INFERTILITY [Report]. https://swhr.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/SWHR-Fertility-Patient-Resource-Guide-2-Understanding-and-Evaluating-Infertility.pdf
UC Health Center for Reproductive Health. (2021). Guide for your fertility journey. In UC Health Center for Reproductive Health. https://www.uchealth.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/66/2018/04/CRH_Guide_to_Fertility_Download.pdf
Carpenter E. "The Health System Just Wasn't Built for Us": Queer Cisgender Women and Gender Expansive Individuals' Strategies for Navigating Reproductive Health Care. Womens Health Issues. 2021 Sep-Oct;31(5):478-484. doi: 10.1016/j.whi.2021.06.004. Epub 2021 Jul 5. PMID: 34238669; PMCID: PMC8729230.
How LGBTQ+ Americans navigate Health Decision-Making - M Booth Health. (2024, October 4). M Booth Health. https://mboothhealth.com/chosen-circles/chosen-circles